Major League Baseball teams around the country today unveiled their annual promotional giveaway schedules for the 2012 baseball season.
Fans attending America’s grand old game next year can eagerly look forward to receiving an array of cheap foreign-made merchandise ranging from player bobbleheads (2 day average breakage rate), magnetic schedules (health alert! keep away from pregnant women and nursing mothers), posters (they tear easier than wet toilet paper), and collectible pins (worth tens of dozens of pennies in the years to come).
Baseball owners hope the free handouts, whose average overall cost per item is approximately $1.15, will draw many more fans to pay the $30.00 average per ticket price for MLB games, ponying up over $200.00 for four people to attend a ballgame with parking and concessions added (2009 Fan Cost Index).
In economics, a business model that exchanges $1.15 of expenditures for revenue of over $50.00 per person is technically referred to as a “motherf—ing slam dunk”.
The San Francisco Giants released their own promotional giveaway schedule for next season and no doubt those games will attract many excited fans. While the Giants will be celebrating over two dozen promotional dates, those were not the only giveaways originally proposed. In fact, Giants Cove investigative reporters have obtained a copy of the original memo listing the entire proposed 2012 giveaway schedule.
Take a look at several of the “days” that were ultimately not approved:
“Pablo Sandoval’s Double-Size Pot Pie Eating Contest Event”.
The first 20,000 fans able to watch this and refrain from leaving their seats and rush to the restrooms will be given a collectible fork pin. This promotion was dropped because the team psychologist stated the event would likely “permanently frighten” children under 17.
Tim Lincecum hosts “Let’s Pretend Hemp isn’t Dope Night”.
Giants ownership was uncomfortable with the idea of Lincecum individually greeting the first 10,000 fans at the stadium entrance with “Hey bud, what’s your problem…”.
“Orange Friday Tampon Night”.
The Giants decided to save this promotion for one of their 2012 World Series home games so that Joe Buck and Tim McCarver would be forced to mention it on national TV.
“Miguel Tejada Trading Card Giveaway Day”.
The front office hoped to unload 85,000 Miguel Tejada 2011 Topps cards until officials from the Environmental Protection Agency intervened and ordered the cards be sealed in 55 gallon drums and stored at the Yucca Mountain Nuclear storage facility in Nevada for at least 300 years.
“Try to Beat Pablo to the Buffet Table Day”.
Five lucky fans will be chosen to race Giants infielder Pablo Sandoval from second base to home plate where massive amounts of meats and cheeses will be laid out on a food cart. Promotion scratched due to potential ICU medical costs for fans with severe trampling injuries.
“Brian Sabean GM for a Day”.
One lucky fan will be chosen to be the Giants’ general manager for the day with the following duties: 1) call other general managers around baseball and remind them Barry Zito is still available for less than $20 million a year; 2) use the phrases “at the end of the day” and “all due diligence” at least 30 times each; and, 3) update Brian’s laptop screensaver list of the most expensive available shortstops who are over 35 years old and also have increasingly limited range.
Promotion personally cancelled by Brian Sabean for some reason.
Hey– see you out at the ballpark on those very special promotional days!