BASEBALL COMMISSIONER ORDERS FURTHER MLB TAKEOVERS
NEW YORK– Following the recent forced takeover of the financially mismanaged Los Angeles Dodgers by Major League Baseball, Commissioner Bud Selig today announced he will immediately institute a number of further takeovers for the good of the game.
Effective immediately, an MLB trustee will be appointed to be the new hitting coach for the Oakland As and assume all hitting instructor responsibilities for the team. “Major League Baseball”, stated Selig, “can no longer stand idle as the Oakland As continue to embarrass the sport with a .236 team batting average.”
Selig noted that all other Athletic baseball operations are unaffected “at this time.”
Also announced were two major media moves the Commissioner will make for the good of America’s game.
Selig issued a statement announcing the Major League Baseball takeovers of Chicago White Sox TV and radio media to enforce the removal of Ken “Hawk” Harrelson from all broadcasting duties. In addition, MLB attorneys have filed an injunction to prevent FoxSports TV baseball color commentator Tim McCarver from “ever publicly speaking about the game from this time forward.”
In a statement to the media, Selig stated “these moves were long overdue, and no sane person can argue they aren’t critically important for the future of baseball.”
Selig also warned that Major League Baseball is looking at a number of other oversight moves, including reviewing the amount of allowable rat hairs in the hot dogs at the Mets’ new Citi Field ball yard, and starting each Pittsburgh Pirate season off with a 25 win handicap to “give that franchise a decent chance to have a .500 season for the first time in 19 years.”
Commissioner Selig also suggested that Major League Baseball may go beyond the game and take control of all military operations in Afghanistan as well as any future legal prosecutions of Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen. “In fact,” stated a stern Selig, “I may appoint an overseer to assume control of Lohan’s entire life at some point.
“Baseball is part of America,” said Selig, “and we will not sit quietly in the bleachers as our American way of life is threatened and demeaned.”
Selig was unavailable for further comment as he was busy overseeing the move of all MLB administrative operations to a secluded location inside a subterranean complex near Henderson, Nevada.