The Cosmic Nothingness Between October and February

We are adrift in that troubling time between the last out of the last inning of the World Series and the first tentative Spring Training tosses between some raw rookie pitcher and the second string catcher. The tragically baseball-afflicted might measure this dark interlude in months or days, but there is no doubting its physical make-up: a vast nothingness colored in shades of dull gray with a soundtrack not unlike most German electronic music from the 1980s.

Sure, there are apparently several important holidays celebrated during this time, and this is when Major League Baseball teams sign free agents and trade players, but all in all I’d rather be watching a regular season game between the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Arizona Diamondbacks. (Note: this is the only time of year I will make such a completely ridiculous statement like that.)

For every sexy Carl Crawford and Cliff Lee multi-million dollar signing, there are tedious, endless stories on MLB Trade Rumors, ESPN.com, and SI.com that go on like this for weeks and months:

“Washington Nationals Closing In On Bartolo Colon”

“Carl Pavano is Getting Interest from Several Teams”

“Octavio Dotel May Fill a Number of Teams’ Needs”

“Possible Suitors for Troy Glaus”

It’s enough to make you turn to hockey or indoor arena horse racing. Or even drive you to think up a brand new sport, maybe combining race horses and an iced arena. I realize there is much legitimate off-season MLB information to be passed on, and these sites have endless space to fill with words (any words), but for the love of god please make it stop.  

The only thing that should happen if Carl Pavano receives an offer from any team is that Carl Pavano should immediately go to the nearest church, get on his knees, and thank the god therein. The only need Octavio Dotel can fill at this point is to be an additional reference of hopelessness in your off-season suicide note. As to what I would do if I saw Bartolo Colon come in from the bullpen for my team during an actual MLB game, I believe any jury in America would buy my temporary insanity defense.

And possible suitors for Troy Glaus? At this point, that would be those guys in the woods from the movie “Deliverance” (“Come on now, squeal like a third baseman…”).

No, I will be extremely happy to get to mid-February, when I, too, will be reporting with the pitchers and catchers to begin the 2011 season. By then I will have lost whatever money I’m going to lose on the NFL playoffs and Superbowl, and I can finally relax knowing that Bartolo Colon has found yet another in a series of new baseball homes.  

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